How To Beat Heartbreak.
“There is no standing still. If one is not going forward, he is going backward. If he is going in the direction of the world, he is in the opposite direction of freedom from limitation, as the world is of limitation.”
Note: Anything said in this article should not be considered as a substitute for professional help. If the emotion is too much to bear, please seek immediate guidance from the proper avenues.
Let’s start with the subject of love. Seeing how most “heartbreak” is popularly credited to love in some form, we will start here. Now, I think it is important that we come together on a definition of love that we both can understand so we can continue our discussion further.
- “Love is taking people as they are”
- “To love our enemy is the height of love”
- “When one really loves one can never be hurt”
- “Love has no personal agenda”
- “Love is the means and the end”
- “Love is unconditional acceptance”
So I guess when I discuss the idea of love, I am trying to convey it as a sort of universal force. Conceptually like gravity but with very different properties. It is totally okay to have different definitions of love and for you to disagree with one or more points above, the list is not exhaustive. Now, let's take a specific look at point #3.
“When one really loves one can never be hurt”
Let us look into this statement a little more now. The essential idea is that if you are experiencing true love, then there is no possible way for you to be hurt. This may run contrary to some people though, they may think that they have “fallen in love” or “fallen out of love” but curiously they are using the wrong word to describe the wrong experience.
There is no falling in or out of love, from my understanding, love is an unmovable force that doesn’t just exist in one avenue of life but rather all of them. As a property of gravity or electrons or any other physical property of our universe, love can act as a force on our consciousness.
It is unwavering and unmovable.
So how is it then that your girlfriend is in love with you one day and absolutely hates you the next? (PSST… She doesn’t love you) Firstly, the issue is with the language. The correct statement to make would be that “My girlfriend and I are both sharing or not sharing the experience of love.” or an even better all-encompassing term “I am love.”
“To be in love” does not exist, another better term would be “To be in a mutually beneficial agreement”. Where did this notion of being in love come from? Disney? This is what I call PSEUDO-LOVE.
What is PSEUDO-LOVE?
It is a term that I have coined to describe what most people in a transactional relationship are experiencing. They are NOT experiencing a state of love, they are experiencing a gross misrepresentation of what love actually is. The movies you watch, your parent's relationship, books, etc… They all form your idea of love, but at what point is this idea actually validated as actually love. If you were to actually test it with introspection, you would notice that we’ve been fooled. Whatever we’ve been feeling has been masking as love, thus the name PSEUDO LOVE.
There is a distinction between “being love” and “being in pseudo-love” the latter makes love an object as opposed to the former which frames love as a force of being.
Can you see the difference?
Oh boy, this where things get messy. You thought you were in pseudo-love but it turns out you were just another stop on the road, and you feel HORRIBLE.
Your chest hurts, and you can barely breathe. You are crying for days and don’t feel like eating at all. Their image is burned into your mind and observe an emotionally intense grieving process that some people can spend anything up to a lifetime in. Nothing seems to matter anymore, the light in your eyes has now dulled and you are a husk of yourself.
You question whether it was something wrong with you, and you say “of course it’s something wrong with me, if it wasn’t, they would still be here” and statements following the same tone. Subconsciously we accept all these erroneous thoughts that we would never before entertain and the pure strength of sorrow alone turns them into a strong belief. This is it.
The end is near…
If you are at this point or before, MY FRIEND YOU ARE IN LUCK!
This is possibly the best thing that could have happened to you, and you don’t even know it yet but I can share some top secret information that will get you out of this time with barely any emotional scars.
How does that sound to you?
Stopping the bleeding
You can imagine the rest of our discussion as a metaphorical “medical intervention” and if taken seriously, can change things for you.
You can call me a metaphorical “Dr.” even though I don’t have an MD.
We are going to start with a bottom-up approach to deal with pain, I am going to assume that you are feeling pretty bad and down in the dumps if you are still reading. Let's see if we can learn how to manage it, and as things lighten up, we can look further into the themes and pave the way for personal growth.
CHECK YOUR BREATHING.
Stop for a moment and ensure that you are breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Breathe in your nose for a count of 4, and then hold your breath for a count of 6 and then breathe out of your mouth, slowly, for a count of 8. Set a timer for 5 minutes and you’ll see the difference at the end of those 5 minutes. Your stress response will lessen, and your body will begin to engage in parasympathetic activities.
Also, look into WIM HOF or SOMA breathing as a means to strengthen your connection with breathing.
CHECK YOUR POSTURE
Are you slumped? Are you tense? It is much harder to hold onto emotional energy when your body is completely relaxed.
A good way to achieve this is to stand up straight and reach for the sky. Take a long deep breath in and hold it. Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles too (the muscles that stop you from peeing) and then let go. Think of relaxing.
* An additional way to relax is to purposefully squeeze all your muscles and all at once sigh and release the squeeze.
HAVE YOU EATEN / DRANK WATER?
Do you feel hangry? Have eaten at all today? Make sure that you have at least some food in your belly, without it, your body has a harder time relaxing. Not to mention you may succumb to waves of apathy due to low blood sugar.
Humans rely on water, it helps keep our organs in function. You won’t get out of this rut without still providing the correct nutrients and hydration. You can make the purchase of a large 3–4L (or your correct intake level)bottle that you need to only fill once, and you can work on drinking it throughout the day.
GET THE BLOOD MOVING
The following is an incredibly underrated method that can bring some immediate relief to the user.
** PLEASE ENSURE YOU CONSULT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL IF YOU HAVE ANY HISTORY OF INJURY ETC… BEFORE PERFORMING ANY EXERCISE.
- Begin by setting a timer for 3 minutes
- Stand with your legs shoulder length apart
- Place one hand on your chest (near the heart) and the other on your forehead
- For the first minute, start performing bodyweight squats while keeping your hands in the same position.
- Allow your pain to surface, just let it all come up. Don’t stuff it anywhere and continue to squat until the first minute is done.
- At the 2nd minute, take your left hand and grab your right earlobe and take your right hand and grab your left earlobe.
- Perform squats again for the 2nd minute. This time focusing on this question. “Would I rather feel free or like this?”
- At the 3rd minute, keep your hands in the same spot. Now we answer the following question. “What would I like to feel like instead?”
- Once the timer is up, note how you feel. Let that feeling of well-being spread.
The squats and placement of hands are all calculated approaches to moving the energy throughout our body. As we move our muscles, the blood is no longer stagnant and gets filtered by the heart much quicker than had you not been moving. This is also an outlet for all that emotional energy.
In ancient Chinese medicine, it is believed that a large contribution to disease is having blood be stagnant. So let’s get up and moving!
You may not be ready to take responsibility just yet, so in the meantime, I find it incredibly cathartic to read books. It doesn’t matter really what you read but I find it one of the more helpful escapes. I want to avoid TV, Netflix, YouTube, and Instagram, etc… Find a good book and get lost in that.
Probably stay away from recreational drugs and alcohol while you’re at it. They can prolong our emotional experience. Reading serves us two-fold because on the one hand, it allows us to learn something new and on the other, it serves as a good place to leave our attention.
STRENGTHEN YOUR EXISTING RELATIONSHIPS
Go meet with friends, engage in conversation, and go out and do fun things. Just cause you may be down one relationship doesn’t mean you need to throw away them all. It may be asking too much of you right now, but we need to loosen your “cognitive position” or perspective at this point in time.
This is a bottom-up approach which means that we are going to deal with the overreactions and work our way up to the source.
We have stopped the bleeding and we now have a few different processes that we can rely on if we lose control. This means we can move up and up and into a place of stability.
At this point, it may be a good time to take stock of things. While we were “bleeding” there is little space for introspection and positive inner action.
If you would allow me to take a crack at your situation, you can comment below if I am wrong.
A relationship ended or you lost someone. This is how you are perceiving this event, through the lens of loss. Some part of you has been stripped away from you, the part that you thought you had control over, how naive you are. The absence of the person means that something is inherently wrong with you.
Why is this?
What part of “you” is experiencing the loss? When did it become possible to be so disturbed by the actions of others?
What a lot of people don’t see without hindsight is that a lot of relationships are not truly built on the foundation of love. Most, if not all of them are built on the basis of a transaction.
I will give you my love and attention, if and only if, you give me your love and attention. Does this feel familiar? How would you feel if I told you that this is the reason why your relationships always go south?
The moment one withholds love is the moment that makes love conditional.
Let's go through a modern example. This transaction process is not as overt as you think, it usually occurs in the background and comes to bite us in the back once it’s all over. Picture a young couple, they are just discovering themselves and other pursuits, let’s see how this transaction usually plays out. At some point, the girl realizes that the guy wants intimacy more than she does. Whenever she withholds intimacy, she notices that he will do anything in order to get it, can you see where I am going with this? So the transaction has been established, “I will do anything if you give me intimacy” this now becomes the structure for the rest of their relationship.
If you give me X, I will give you Y.
This can apply with “love”, attention, or anything really.
It can be a tough pill to swallow but a rather important lesson to learn. The moment you realize this fact, it is very easy to be resentful of the other person. Please don’t, you both were engaging in this “relationship” or transaction unconsciously so cut yourself and them some slack.
Now that we know this fact, we will ensure that this pattern will never occur again.
Healing the wound:
Let us keep on moving.
I hope you are a little bit angry at yourself right now. Anger is a whole lot better than apathy and depression. Now is the perfect time to start releasing on this person and the dead relationship.
The Cleanup Procedure -> The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin
Taken from the amazing book “The Sedona Method” by Hale Dwoskin. Please buy his book for a more in-depth experience!
But not to worry, here we will employ comprehensive healing and releasing schema for you to try at home.
I encourage you to have a pen and paper handy to rewrite these questions for yourself.
The process will work like such.
- Visualize the face of the person you would like to release on. If you can’t imagine their face, please try their voice or how they feel.
- Then ask yourself one question at a time (we’ll go through them together). Welcome them fully and let go.
- Repeat and Repeat until you feel nothing but acceptance of this person.
Step 1: Control
Did this person try to control you? (Or did it feel that way?) (Yes / No)
Pause and allow yourself to release. If nothing happens then continue with:
If so, could you let go of resisting them? (Yes / No)
Did you try to control this person? (Or did it feel that way?) (Yes / No)
Pause and allow yourself to release. If nothing happens then continue with”
If so, could you let go now of wanting to control them? (Yes / No)
Do you now grant this person the right to be as this person is? (Yes / No)
** REPEAT UNTIL YOU CAN HONESTLY ANSWER THIS LAST QUESTION **
Step 2: Approval
Did you dislike or disapprove of anything in this person? (Or did it feel that way?) (Yes / No)
Allow any feelings to come up. Honestly. If nothing does then ask…
Could you let go, just for now, of your dislike or disapproval for this person? (Yes / No)
Did this person dislike or disapprove of anything in you? (Or did it feel that way?) (Yes / No)
Allow for release or ask…
Could you let go of wanting their approval? (Yes / No)
Do you have only love/acceptance feelings for this person? (Yes / No)
This is just a decision, giving you the power that you lost back.
** REPEAT UNTIL YOU CAN HONESTLY ANSWER THIS LAST QUESTION **
Step 3: Security
Did this person challenge, oppose, or threaten you? (Or did it feel that way?) (Yes / No)
Allow for release or ask…
Could you let go of wanting to challenge, oppose, or threaten him/her back? (Yes / No)
Could you let go of wanting security with this person? (Yes / No)
Did you challenge, oppose, or threaten this person? (Or did it feel that way?) (Yes / No)
Allow for release or ask:
Could you let go of wanting to challenge, oppose, or threaten this person? (Yes / No)
Could you let go of wanting to protect yourself in this way? (Yes / No)
Do you have only a feeling of well-being, safety, and trust with this person? (Yes / No)
** REPEAT UNTIL YOU CAN HONESTLY ANSWER THIS LAST QUESTION **
The cleanup procedure finished.
The more you perform the cleanup procedure, the more effective you will become with dealing with all your emotions.
Rediscovering the Self
Hopefully, at this point, you have all the tools you need to get yourself out of the rut you have found yourself. You have taken responsibility for your own life and as such have found a greater level of empowerment. You may now be wondering how it was possible for you to be at such a low, and right you are to ask.
You now have the mental bandwidth to start engaging in introspection and asking yourself the truly hard questions.
Who am I?
What am I?
Why am I here?
I couldn’t answer that question for you but now you have the time to answer it for yourself. You don’t need to look to other people for guidance, ironic right? When it comes to matters of the heart and soul, the answer lies within. By clearing out all the emotional gunk we allow our answer to become more easily heard.
Make the relationship between yourself and your consciousness stronger than any other out there. It is within where you will find love, abundance, and peace. I think it’s funny that people look forward to going to “heaven” while missing the opportunity to have heaven here on earth. I will go more in-depth with this topic in another post if people are interested.
It is here my friends, in this place of conscious awareness of all that is, where we can be true love. We can be the love that we wish to have, it can be a friend of ours, a type of friend that will never leave our side. Love has the power to wash any memory clean of distaste, and bring a greater understanding of what living life truly means.
It was there this whole time, it never left, and didn’t manifest itself into an external object. The love we were seeking was still operating, silently, but with 100% confidence in you. It is just waiting for you to open your heart, and let go of the things that block your full integration with it.
So my friends, here we are.
I hope you learned at least one thing from this post and if you have read this far then I am sure you are on the path of living an absolutely peaceful and joyful life.
If you disagree with ANYTHING SAID HERE please, please leave your comment down below. We can chat about it!
Thanks for reading!